Texts from the TARDIS
by ParanoidAndroid42
Summary: A collection of micro-fics based on Texts from Last Night.  Will also include fics based on quotes and scenes from The Simpsons and Futurama.  Rated T overall but does contain some adult discussion and situations.
1. You don't win friends with salad

A/N: I don't own Doctor Who. I'm just playing around with the characters. They rightfully belong to the BBC

You Don't Win Friends With Salad

The Doctor crossed his arms as Rory placed a plate in front of him. It smelled heavenly but the Doctor wouldn't budge.

"I'm a vegetarian, after meeting that poor animal at Milliways I just can't eat meat again."

Amy frowned and Rory shrugged,

"You don't win friends with salad Doctor."

"You don't win friends with salad!" Amy sang, grinning as Rory joined her. They danced around the table and as they passed the Doctor's chair, River joined in.

"River!" the Doctor cried.

"Sorry sweetie," she smiled, "I didn't mean to take sides, I just got caught up in the rhythm."


	2. I am evil River

"I am Evil River"

"Sweetie come on now, you know I'm right." River put her arm around his back and the Doctor sighed.

"I still say it isn't fair to handcuff me to the rails."

"Well if you'd let me drive-"

"Nobody drives but me!"

"- get used to the handcuffs Sweetie," River grinned as he slumped onto the floor and stopped trying to escape. The Doctor glared at her,

"You are an evil, evil woman River Song."

River laughed and started dancing around the console, "I am evil River, I am evil River," she sang. The Doctor just shook his head fondly and watched, she'd let him out eventually.


	3. This is so embarrassing

This is so embarrassing

"Uh River?" the Doctor stared in horror at the item in his hand. River appeared at the top of the stairs that led to their bedroom and frowned as she saw him holding something at arm's length.

"Sweetie, what are you-" she trailed off as she recognised what he was holding. "I am going to kill her.

"Why is this in your pocket? Where were you before you came to meet me?" the Doctor sounded confused and River had to smile.

"I was visiting Mum and Dad," she walked over and picked up the post-it note by his feet before waving it in front of his face.

"'Be safe Sweetie'," he read, "But why would Amy put a condom and a note in your pocket when she knew you were coming to visit- oh"

River smirked as he finally got it, "So my love, shall we go to bed?"

"In a minute," the Doctor had a disgusted look on his face, "I need to get rid of the knowledge that Amy and Rory are fully aware and apparently supportive of our sex life."


	4. Scapegoat

Scapegoat

"Rory?"

"Hmm?"

"Can we get some vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck?"

"Uh, why do you need an excuse?"

"Because crying at Bambi is lame."

"And drunk crying isn't?"

"No, drunk crying means that you're empathising with the characters."

"Ok, maybe we shouldn't have this Disney marathon if you're going to drink."

"But Rooorrrryyyyy."

"Fine."

A while later:

"No! Not Mufasa!"

"I knew this would happen."


	5. Abduction

Abduction

"Do you want to do something a little more interesting Sweetie?"

The Doctor looked at River with wide eyes, "what did you have in mind?"

She shrugged, "just some role-play."

"River, are you suggesting that I don't," he trailed off as Amy walked in.

"Don't mind me," she smirked, "just keep on with your conversation, I'm getting a cuppa."

The Doctor slowly sank into the nearest chair and leaned close to River,

"River, are you unhappy with, uh, what we do?"

"Not at all my love, I just wondered if you'd be open to the idea."

"What sort of role play?" he asked, loud enough for Amy to hear and promptly rush out of the room.

"I was thinking abduction."

"What's sexy about that? It's all handcuffs and cold cells."

"Well this one would be a safe, consensual abduction."

"Then it's not abduction."

River groaned, "I give up."


	6. Space insert activity here

Space "insert activity here":

"So then all you have to do is make sure my spacesuit isn't in the way and-"

"Hold on Sweetie," River leant against the console, "how exactly did we get talking about space blow jobs?"


	7. Not very good at this

Not very good at this

The Doctor slumped onto the sofa next to River, his bow-tie was lopsided and one of his shoes was missing.

"Good night?" she asked, grinning as he groaned,

"I'm never letting Amy and Rory drag me out to a club again," he opened one eye and glanced at her, "how did you get out of coming with us?"

River shrugged, "I can't drink in my current… state." She watched as the Doctor bolted up and knelt in front of her,

"River, are you…?" he trailed off, motioning towards her stomach. She laughed,

"No Sweetie, but I had to make something up so they wouldn't badger me about it."

"Badger you! River, I spent the first half of the night sitting at a table with your parents while they tried to give me 'the talk'." He frowned.

"Judging by the state you all came back in, looks like you had a good time," she nodded at Amy and Rory who were curled up on the other sofa together.

"Precisely River, Amy is an amazing drinking companion but she's not so awesome mother-in-law material."


	8. How did this happen?

How did this happen?

"Sir? Madam?"

Rory and River turned around to face the waiter as the Doctor and Amy went on ahead.

"Is everything to your liking sir?"

Rory glanced at his daughter before replying, "uh, yeah."

"Are you sure? I'm certain we could find a more intimate setting for your date."

River's face drained of colour and Rory started stammering, "it isn't, we're not, I mean I'm her-"

Over in the corner, the Doctor and Amy were crying with laughter as they watched their significant others blush and stumble over their words. Five minutes later, River and Rory had managed to escape the waiter and had slid into the seats next to the others.

"Why didn't you two come and help?" River hissed at her mother and husband.

"Oh River, we're sorry-"

"No we're not!" Amy cut in, starting to laugh again, "You should have seen your faces!"

"Mother," River growled, "I just got asked if I was on a date with my _father_!"

The Doctor smiled, "well you can't say our lives are ever boring."

"You're on the sofa tonight."


	9. That's the best idea you've had

That's the best idea you've had

_River! I have a plan. I'm going to become a prostitute photographer!_

River looked at her phone, "I know that's probably just a mistake but I can't pass up this opportunity." She grinned and forwarded the message onto a few of the Doctor's old companions, including her mother and Sarah-Jane Smith.

_Nice Sweetie._

_Wait. I meant professional! Not prostitute! River it was my phone, you have to believe me!_

She waited for a few seconds before another message came through.

_You're telling everyone aren't you?_

_Oh Sweetie, I already have._

_I hate you._

_No you don't x_


	10. Seriously, it's got to be you two

Seriously, it's got to be you two

Rory woke up in a room he didn't recognise, in a bed he didn't recognise and logically that meant he was in a house he didn't recognise.

"And he's finally awake," a slightly mocking but mostly friendly voice spoke. Rory looked around, only seeing two blurs, an orange one and a black one.

"Budge up Williams," the orange blur moved and sat next to him, gradually changing into the face of Amy.

"Amy? What are you doing here? Actually, where is here?"

"We're at my house," the voice from before, which Rory now realised was Mels, spoke up and came over to sit next to him and Amy, "had a rough night soldier?"

"What happened? The last thing I remember was walking home."

Mels gently pushed him back into the mound of pillows and ruffled his hair, "me and Ames found you outside, proclaiming your everlasting love to a rosebush. It was actually kinda sweet."

Rory groaned, "Then what happened?"

"Then, Amy here grabbed you before you did any serious harm to yourself and dragged you inside. You're a very huggy person when you're drunk Rory, kept calling us 'your girls' and saying you'd never leave us," Mels grinned at Amy, "one of your best quotes-"

"Oh no," Amy hid her face in her hands.

"'I'd wait two thousand years for you Amy!'" Mels put a hand over her heart dramatically, "such a romantic, I think you'd make a great couple."

"Mels," Amy and Rory groaned, ignoring their friend's smirk.

"And then of course, once you'd passed out on the kitchen counter, Amy dragged you up here, brushed your teeth and tucked you into bed. Seriously, why are you two not married?"

"Mels!"


	11. Valentine's advice

Valentine's advice

Rory and the Doctor were bored. Their wives were off doing girly mother/daughter stuff with strict instructions to the men to behave. They'd played a few games of darts (the Doctor swore he won the last game fairly but Rory said otherwise) gone for a swim and finally ended up in the library.

"Should we go and find them?" the Doctor asked as he flipped another page in his book.

"Do you want to die?" Rory replied without looking up.

"No, I'd imagine it's quite painful," said the Doctor.

"Then we should stay here."

They were quiet for another few minutes.

"Oh bugger it, let's go find them," Rory sighed, pushing himself out of the chair and leading the Doctor to the most obvious place the women would be. "Amy's version of girl talk involves lots of drink," he explained to the Doctor as they approached the kitchen. Laughter from inside told them that Amy and River were:

Fairly drunk at this point and,

Were less likely to murder their respective spouses.

"Should we go in?" The Doctor whispered, only getting a long suffering look from Rory in return, "Oh, right." They leant against the wall, both interested in the girls' conversation and terrified that they'd be caught (and then killed).

"So that's the truth River," they heard Amy slur, "valentine's day is a load of crap, it isn't about being a couple in love. It's about chocolate and fake orgasms."

The Doctor bit his lip to keep from laughing as Rory's expression quickly changed from embarrassment to outrage to hurt. "I'm sure that's just the drink talking," he leant over and patted Rory's back sympathetically.

"That may be for you mother but I don't have to fake it. The Doctor is a wonderful and very talented lover." River replied, sounding equally as drunk. The Doctor's hand slowly stopped its movement on Rory's back as the sentence sunk into the men's brains.

"Now Rory," the Doctor took a few steps back as his normally calm, cool and collected friend/father-in-law stalked towards him with the air of someone who wanted to kill him, "you know I respect your daughter and, uh, Rory? What are you doing with that sword? Have you been carrying that all day? Rory? Ahh!" he rolled to the side as Rory swiped at him and scrambled to his feet.

"I'll teach you for having sex with my daughter!" Rory yelled, giving chase, the heavy gladius barely slowing him down.

"River help! No Rory! Not the bow-tie!"

In the kitchen, River and Amy looked over to the door. "Did you hear something just now?" Amy asked.

"Not a thing," River replied, smirking as she refilled their glasses.


	12. Out on the town

Untitled (set before AGMGTW/LKH)

River Song was in a club with the Doctor. This wasn't unusual. What was slightly strange was the addition of Amelia Pond and Rory Williams. River had figured out that Demon's Run was still in their future, admittedly that was mostly because the Doctor was more scared of her than Rory and Amy but the fact that Amy was quite willing to share stories that frequently ended with "then we had sex" was also a dead giveaway.

They were all rather drunk, Amy and River more so than the men (River was always annoyed that she shared her mother's lack of alcohol tolerance) and so they had slowly gone from sitting next to each other to sprawled across their respective partners.

"Amy, this is why we shouldn't have kids," Rory slurred, more sober than the two women but still struggling to keep the room from spinning. River twisted around in the Doctor's lap (causing a slight squeak as she did) and started to actually pay attention to her oblivious parents.

"Why's that? I thought you wanted kids?"

"They might end up like us."

Amy grinned, "Gorgeous and fantastic at sex?"

River laughed and quickly turned it into a cough, 'Thank you mother!' she thought to herself, Amy was always so much more fun to be out with before she found out River was actually her daughter.


	13. River's extended family

River's extended family

"Ok, so that's Bev and Mike, they're your first set of godparents. That's John and Mindy, they're your second set, oh and over there is Harry and Glinda, they're your third set-"

River looked around at the room full of people, "Mother, just how many godparents do I have?"

Amy looked sheepish, "I keep telling people when I get drunk at bars that they can be the godparents to my first born."

River just shook her head, "You have got to stop doing that."


	14. You still do that?

You still do that?

Rory awoke to a sudden sound in their kitchen. He looked over, saw that Amy was still asleep and listened. There was definitely someone downstairs, in their kitchen and by the sounds of it they were making a sandwich.

He slowly crept downstairs, one hand holding his sword steady as he approached the half-open door.

"River?" he stopped in the doorway, quickly hiding his sword as his daughter turned around clutching the butter. "What are you doing?" he asked, noticing her wide eyes, "Are you drunk?"

River's lower lip quivered and Rory soon found his arms full of a sobbing River Song.

"I'm sorry daddy, please don't tell mother."

He awkwardly patted her back (his sword having been knocked to the floor when River tackled him)

"I won't, just tell me what's wrong." He led River to the table and sat opposite, still with one hand clutched in hers.

"I was out and there were some guys that thought it would be a good plan to flirt with me. The Doctor wasn't best pleased and shooed them off but then he had to go and save the planet from the rampaging Sponge Cake monster," she broke off into another crying fit and Rory was reminded of the many times he and Amy had comforted Mels when she'd been drunk.

"I was hungry and I didn't want to go back to Stormcage just yet. So I thought I'd come here but you and mum were asleep so I let myself in."

Rory sighed, "River, you know you're welcome here whenever you want, but please for the love of god stop breaking in and raiding our fridge when you're drunk."


	15. Furniture shopping

Furniture shopping

"Ok River, I understand the need to furnish your new house but why did I have to come? Why not the Doctor?"

River grinned up at him, "I wanted to keep the bed secret from him."

"Alright. So why was the salesman giving you strange looks?"

"I was explaining that the headboard has to have slats so that I can handcuff people to it."

Rory stopped walking, "I should really learn to stop asking you questions that have a really obvious answer."

"Don't worry daddy," River hugged him and pulled him to the car, "you get better at that."


	16. The Sombrero chronicles

The Hat Murders

_I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also, I'm wearing a sombrero, sombreros are cool. We need more sombreros in our lives._

River looked at the text and sighed before grabbing her gun. "Well at least being in prison for murder isn't completely false."

Oh no, not again

_I don't even care about this walk of shame. I'm wearing a Sombrero._

River glared at the phone. This was the last time she was letting her father take the Doctor out for a night on the town.

_Mother, I'm going to have to break your rule about no guns in the house, is that alright?_

Amy's reply made her smile,

_Can I use it after you? Rory came home wearing a bloody fez._

How many times do I have to kill that hat?

_River, I'm in a bathtub. Wearing a Sombrero. Can you come and get me?_

River sighed, grabbed her gun and walked over to the guard that was on duty tonight.

"Look, I'm here for murder. I need to go and kill something, I'll be back soon."

The guard stepped back and checked up and down the corridor,

"You have ten minutes Dr. Song, could I ask you who is getting killed?"

"It's not a person. It's a hat. My stupid husband's hat to be precise."

River smiled and typed the co-ordinates into her vortex manipulator, this time she'd make sure the hat died.


	17. Stop giving me advice

Stop giving me advice

"River, my darling," Amy slid onto the seat and threw her arms around her slightly worried daughter. "River, I will teach you all you need to know about sexting!"

River bit her lip to stop herself laughing. "Mother, are you drunk? Actually don't answer that, I think the answer is obvious."

"You must learn from me." Amy demanded, frowning. "This is important."

"Yes Mum," River dutifully schooled her expression into one of concentration and Amy nodded, satisfied that now her daughter was paying attention.

"River, I am the queen of sexting. Once, I made a blowjob sound so poetic I wished I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me."

River was praying to every god she knew that someone would save her from this. Amy drunk equalled Amy talking about sex and Amy talking about sex included boasts about how good Rory was in bed. River really didn't need to know any more about her parent's sex life.


	18. Oh no, not again

Oh no, not again

Amy was used to getting odd text messages on a Saturday morning. In fact, she expected them. Today was no exception.

_Worst walk of shame everr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 mins in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on and high heels will cheer you up today_

She shook her head fondly.

"Rory! Operation 'Save Leadworth from Mels' is a go!"

Rory groaned from the couch but got up and headed out to the car. Amy grabbed her bag and the emergency blanket they always kept for their wayward friend and followed him, checking her phone as she went.

_Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me!_

"Where is she this time?" Rory asked tiredly, though Amy could hear the fondness in his voice.

"The park. She's just passed some joggers."


	19. What, again?

What, Again?

"Amy," Mels moaned.

Amy twisted around to see the back seat of Rory's car and Mels curled up in a ball, "hey there Mels. How are you feeling?"

"Like there's a rock band in my skull," Mels replied, curling tighter to try and block out the weak light from the street. "What happened this time?"

"You got a bit too drunk," Amy smiled softly and reached back to pat Mels' shoulder. "So I locked you in a bathroom stall but you escaped," she laughed, "you're good at that. So I called our designated driver to pick us up."

"You gave up on me?" Mels tried to sound hurt but only just managed pitiful and Rory rested his hand on her arm. Mels yawned and snuggled into the seat, missing the look between Amy and Rory.

"Sleep tight Mels, we'll get you home safe."

Mels smiled in her sleep, she was safe, her parents loved her and most important of all, they put up with all her stupid stunts.


	20. Hello Boobies!

Amy Pond pushed open the door of her and Rory's house as her husband carried their shopping from the car and placed it on the kitchen table. Rory groaned and stretched as he unloaded the bags, Amy having decided that doing a monthly shop would leave more time for them to do whatever they wanted to. Amy closed the door and locked it before walking over and snuggling into Rory's side,

"I think me and you have a date tonight." She smiled at him and wound her arms around his neck, Rory chuckled,

"We do?"

"Yep," Amy kissed him, "Me, you, the couch, a pizza and a movie. Sound good to you?"

"Couldn't think of anywhere I'd rather be," Rory agreed.

The couple were interrupted by the house phone ringing insistently. They both glared at it, hoping that whoever was calling them would get the hint and hang up. The phone kept ringing.

"Amy?"

"Yeah?"

"Next time I see the Doctor I'm deleting us from his speed dial."

"Good idea."

Rory led Amy over to the couch and sat down, pulling his wife to lie next to him. Amy giggled and stretched out, one arm draped over Rory's chest while the other played with his hair. The phone suddenly beeped and they heard the voice of their best-friend.

"Ponds! Amy and Rory! My bestest friends!-"

"He's annoyed River hasn't he?" Rory muttered, making Amy laugh.

"Amy, Rory, I'm going to go and pick up your lovely daughter and uh, if you could talk to her beforehand so she doesn't decide to kill me… again, well that would be nice. Anyway, I'll see you two soon and oh! Hello boobies!"

Amy and Rory looked at each other and then at the phone which still had the Doctor talking.

"I was just leaving a message on your parents" his voice stopped and Amy and Rory could almost see the look on his face as he realised "answer phone. Oh dear. Um, Ponds, if you're actually in the house and listening to this message then I'm so sorry and Rory please don't kill me." The phone clicked and the house went quiet.

"Amy?"

"Yes Rory?"

"Where's my sword?"

"In the bedroom with your armour."

"I'm going to go and get it, can you call the Doctor back and get him here now?"

Amy was already holding her mobile to her ear, "On it."


	21. Don't Fall

"Don't fall, don't fall, don't fall," The Doctor muttered as he and Rory carefully picked their way across the narrow ledge. Rory could think of several things he'd like to say to the Time Lord but he was too busy concentrating on not falling, he had a feeling that falling from five stories up wasn't a good thing. The Doctor quickly hopped across to another ledge, almost falling but managing to catch himself.

"Come on Rory! Now don't fall."

Rory jumped, hit the wall and slipped, failing to grasp the ledge on his way down. His last thought was "oh no, not again."

"Hey there soldier," Amy's face swam into view as Rory woke up. He groaned as she supported him as he sat up and rubbed his head.

"What happened?" he asked, leaning into Amy as she knelt beside him.

"You had a little accident Dad," River knelt on his other side and hugged him. Rory smiled, he could get used to this. Both his girls giving him their undivided attention.

"You fell." The Doctor popped into view and Rory sighed. Peace and quiet was never really going to happen was it?


	22. Bongos

A/N: Inspired by the Big Bang Theory. Episode 5X18 "The Werewolf Transformation"

* * *

><p>Rory had never been a heavy sleeper, the slightest noise woke him up, which to be honest was a pain whenever River turned up in the middle of the night. He opened his eyes, detecting another sound beyond the usual creaks in the house and noticed that it was coming from the guest bedroom.<p>

"Don't let that be the Doctor playing bongos," he mumbled, making sure not to wake Amy as he got out of bed. The beating sound continued and Rory groaned, "Please don't let that be the Doctor playing bongos."

Rory entered the guest room to find the Doctor sitting on the edge of the bed and hitting the bongos in his lap with some semblance of rhythm. Rory would have been impressed if it was a reasonable time in the morning.

"Hello Rory do you like my bongos?" The Doctor sang. "Bet you didn't know that I had bongos."

"Doctor, it's three in the morning."

"Three in the morning is a good time for bongos."

"I was sleeping." Rory leant against the wall and glared as his son-in-law kept playing.

"Rory sleeps as I play bongos."

"No he doesn't!"

"Rory's asleep as I play bongos. Bongo solo!"

Rory stood there as the Doctor kept playing, resigned to the fact that he wasn't getting any sleep tonight. Amy stormed into the room a minute later,

"What the hell!"

"Oh hi Amy, guess what? The Doctor has bongos." Rory gestured to the man on the bed who grinned at them.

"Why did you get bongos?" Amy glared and the Doctor's grin faltered.

"River got them for me. She said it was something to keep me occupied." He got up and walked past them.

"Where are you going?" Amy demanded.

"Wherever the music takes me Pond." The Doctor nodded at them and headed down the stairs. "I play bongos walking down the stairs." There was a crash and Amy and Rory rushed out to see the Doctor picking himself and his bongos up off the floor. "Never play bongos walking down the stairs."

Amy grabbed the phone and dialled, tapping her foot as she waited for an answer, "Don't you 'hello sweetie' me Melody Pond. Get here now." She stormed back into their bedroom and Rory wisely decided to stay outside, he was not getting in the middle of another Pond women argument.

A few minutes later Rory stood by the bedroom window.

"River I'm sorry!"

"Oh you will be you floppy-haired git!"

"Don't you dare use language like that in my house Melody Pond!"

Rory watched from the window as his wife chased their daughter who was chasing the Doctor and shook his head. His family was utterly insane. He heard a gun and then a yelp and decided he'd better go out there before someone got hurt.

"No River! Not my fez!"


	23. Sparta

"Amy," Rory mumbled to his wife as she dozed on the sofa with her head resting on his shoulder. "Wake up love," he kissed her softly and twirled a finger in her hair, not really wanting to break the peaceful afternoon they were having.

"What is it Rory?" she muttered, eyes still closed but a smile on her face.

"I need you to do me a favour. You know how the Doctor wants to go out tonight?"

"Mhmmm," she replied sleepily.

"Well, can you keep my sword away from me?"

That made Amy sit up slightly, still leaning on Rory but able to look him in the eye. "Why?" she asked, her accent coming out strongly as she looked at her husband.

"Well, if I'm going to a 'boys night out' with the Doctor I plan on drinking my weight in vodka. And I don't trust myself to not run through Leadworth with my sword shouting 'I am Sparta!'."

Amy merely smirked and Rory pouted, "Please? You'd be saving me a mugshot and saving some innocent girls from tears."

"Okay, the mugshot I can understand but tears?"

Rory raised an eyebrow, "I never said I was going to be dressed."

Amy's eyes lit up, "I'd be more than happy to see you run naked through Leadworth."

Her husband groaned, "Yeah, I know you'd love it, but I don't think other people would."

"Well I'll think about it, right after making the Doctor promise to text me as soon as you do anything I might find entertaining."


	24. Homework

Mels woke up to bright sunlight streaming through the window of Amy's bedroom,

"What am I doing here?" she groaned.

"Morning!" Amy practically bounced through the door and Mels fought the urge to hit her for being so happy. "Finally awake?"

"What time is it?"

"Nine, I let you sleep in."

"Thanks Mother," Mels rolled her eyes and stretched, "What am I doing in your bed?"

"You fell asleep after we were done with your homework, I didn't want to wake you up."

"Oh, okay. Wait, homework?" She looked at Amy, "What exactly happened last night?"

Amy sat next to her and smirked, "You came in here at three in the morning, drunk obviously, and then you asked me for help with your Spanish homework. Good for you being a good student."

Mels groaned and rolled back over, pulling the covers over her head, "If word gets out about this Pond you are so dead."

"You love me really!" Amy laughed and dodged Mels' foot as her friend aimed for her shin, "I'll get Rory to make you some breakfast."

"Damn that woman," Mels grumbled, reluctantly getting out of bed. And damn her own weakness for her father's cooking.


	25. Milk

"Rory!" Mels shouted as she hammered on his door. She and Amy had decided to surprise their best friend with an impromptu visit. Which actually meant they arrived at six in the morning but Mels was sure Rory wouldn't care too much about the time. "Oi! Open the door!"

"For god's sake Mels!" Rory yelled as he wrenched the door open, "Are you trying to wake everyone else up?"

"No, just you," she smiled and hugged him; "by the way, you're out of milk. Me and Amy used the last of it making some tea."

Rory sighed and ran a hand through his hair before following Mels into the kitchen. He felt a grin spread across his face as Amy spotted him and ran over, grabbing him in a hug and refusing to let go. Mels stood by and watched, smiling as Rory spun Amy around.

"Hey lovebirds," she called, "Rory, there's a cuppa here for you."

"Thanks," he took the mug gratefully, "I just have one question for you."

"Yeah?"

"How the hell do you keep getting in here? Everyone else is convinced our lock is broken."

Mels shrugged, "That's for me to know and you to never find out."

Years later, watching his daughter pick a lock to free their spouses, Rory chuckled.

"What's so funny?" River demanded.

"I thought I was never supposed to find out about your lock picking?" he teased, laughing as River gently punched his arm.


	26. Keep Calm

Rory paced in front of the Pandorica, it had been two weeks since the Doctor had left and he had started his vigil. Two weeks surrounded by crumbling stone fossils of enemies. Two weeks of nothing but his own company. He had wished he'd gone with the Time Lord when he had the chance but then he remembered Amy, remembered that it was his fault she was in that box and he cried.

A sudden flash in the corner of his eye made Rory turn. He unsheathed his sword as a figure approached him, he had recognised the flash as one from a vortex manipulator, the Doctor used one and so did that woman, what was her name? Doctor Song.

"Who goes there!" he shouted, voice echoing in the emptiness of the chamber. The figure stepped into the light and Rory recognised Doctor Song. She stopped a few feet from him, eyeing the sword nervously, Rory lowered it and she smiled at him. Not one of the smiles he'd seen her give the Doctor but a genuine smile, as if she knew him well.

"Doctor Song?"

"Hello Rory, how are you doing?"

Rory sighed and sheathed his sword again, "Well enough I suppose."

"You've been alone? For how long?" she sounded concerned and Rory chuckled bitterly,

"Two weeks, not that it should matter to you."

"It does matter to me." Her voice was quiet but Rory heard the hurt all the same.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"No, it's alright." She recovered from the brief pain and stepped closer, "I've come to give you some advice Rory."

He looked at her, something in her eyes made him feel instantly at ease and he knew he could trust this mad, impossible woman to the ends of the Earth itself. "What advice?" he asked, wondering what words could ever help in this situation.

"Keep calm and marry Amy Pond," Doctor Song nodded at him and smiled, "just remember that Rory Williams. Everything will work itself out in the end." And then she was gone, just as quickly as she had appeared. Rory walked back to the Pandorica and placed a hand on one of its sides,

"I love you Amy." He whispered, before sitting down and resuming his long wait.


	27. Condoms

"Amy," Rory whispered, shaking his wife gently to wake her up, "Amy, do we have any pictures of me glaring?"

"What are you on about?" Amy blinked at him.

"I've got an idea, but we need a picture of me glaring."

"Why would I have a picture of you glaring?"

"Well take one!"

Amy blindly reached over for her camera and quickly took a photo. Rory grabbed it and ran to their computer, he was up to something and Amy needed to know what.

"Rory, what are you doing?"

He hesitated, knowing that Amy would stop him, "Spoilers."

"That only works when River says it." Amy came over to see him printing out several copies in various sizes. "Rory, I love you but having your face glaring from the walls is sort of creepy."

"That's the point."

Amy sighed, "Please tell me you're not going to stick those in the bathroom and in the condom box."

"Well I-"

"If River finds out it was you, she won't be happy."

"Oh it'll be fine!"

The following night:

"Sweetie," River broke away from the Doctor before things went too far, "Cupboard. Bathroom."

The Doctor kissed her again before he left, checking every corner to make sure there weren't any angry sword-wielding Romans or water gun-wielding Scots around. He got to the bathroom safely and turned around, only to come face to face with a huge glaring Rory face.

"Ahh!" he yelped and jumped back, hearts beating loudly. "Okay, just a picture. Thank god," he muttered as he searched for the box of condoms that was usually kept in the cupboard. He grinned as he found it and opened the lid only to find another glaring Rory face.

"Goddammit Pond!" he yelled and stormed back to his and River's room, mood thoroughly stamped out.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" River leant over as she cuddled up to him. "You're obviously cursing either my mother or father for some reason."

"Your delightful parents decided to put a photo of your father, glaring, in the condom box."

"Ah," River winced. "So we'll just go back to the TARDIS, not a problem."

"I will kill whichever one of them put that in there. Your father! Condom box!"

Outside, Amy and Rory high-fived in victory, their work here was done.


	28. Playful

A/N: This one is inspired by some filming photos of Arthur and Karen

* * *

><p>For once in her life Amy Pond felt everything was normal. Her husband and daughter were busy arguing over where to stop for lunch while she just walked along behind them.<p>

"Really Dad, there's a great café five minutes away!" River was determined to get Rory to agree but his stubborn streak was in full effect today.

"We always go to the little coffee place by the cathedral. It's your mum's favourite place," Rory refused to listen and Amy could see River getting slightly annoyed. Deciding to step in before someone got hurt (or River used the fancy dress shop as target practice) Amy stepped between them,

"Rory, it looks like it's about to rain and River's idea is closer," she saw River poke her tongue out and continued, "We'll go to the place by the cathedral later." Rory smirked and Amy heard River grumbling beside them.

"You can choose where we go off-world." Amy nudged her daughter's arm and River smiled, seemingly happy with Amy's decision. "Now I need you to distract Rory for a minute," she brought an empty packet of crisps out of her pocket and nodded towards Rory's hood, River grinned and winked, moving closer to her father and linking their arms,

"Dad, thanks for inviting me out with you two today," River started, going for the obvious option of making Rory awkward. "I've had a wonderful day, much better than being in Stormcage."

"We've loved having you around River," Rory moved his arm so it was across her shoulders instead and smiled as River leant her head on his shoulder. Amy quickly took a photo of the adorable scene before continuing with her plan and sneaking up to Rory. River moved so she was facing Rory and kept him talking, subtly signalling to her mother when he was busy answering one of her questions.

"So then what happened?"

"Well, you remember that dog across the street?" River nodded, eyes wide, hanging onto Rory's every word. "I was walking past one day and suddenly-"

"Gotcha!" Amy cried, pouncing and hanging on as Rory spun around. "Amy, stop!" he cried, laughing as he tried to shake his wife off. River was laughing at the two of them, filming the scene on her phone as Amy stuffed the crisp packet into her husband's hood, "Amy!" Rory finally managed to get Amy down and she bounced in front of him, still laughing.

"Your face!" she grinned and Rory growled, fidgeting to get the packet out,

"Amy!" he said again as the packet fluttered to the ground, smiling as he bent to pick it up, "Revenge time," he smirked and Amy ran off.

River shook her head as she watched them chase each other around the fountain, at least now she knew where she got her playful attitude from.


End file.
